REALITY OR DREAM?
(I  won't even talk about the joke...)

by

Klaus J. Gerken

(1998)


Dirt Road  Blues
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Went down to the river
	Where my baby had a boat
Went down to the river
	Where my baby had a boat
Did the upstream paddle
	Did the downstream float

It was somewhere near toronto
	In a snow bank on a farm
It was somewhere near Toronto
	In a snow bank on a farm
My baby kept a tellin me
	Klaus you gotta keep me warm

There was an eclipse after midnight
	I never saw it but they said
There was an eclipse after midnight
	I never saw it but they said
We had no time to listen to the others
	We was too busy in bed

Guess I was too busy with my baby
	To notice the rolling stones
I was too busy with my baby
	to notice the rolling stones
They rolled right passed us
	or we could have gathered some sweet moss	

Getting dark already
	I don't know what to do
Getting dark already
	I don't know what to do
The years went by like midnight
	When I was sleeping don't ya know...

I was walking down the highway
	It was dusty like the morning fog
I was walking down the highway
	It was dusty like the morning fog
I thought this isn't fair man
	I wouldn't do this to a dog...

It was murder in the morning
	My head felt like a clock
It was murder in the morning
	My head felt like a clock
They pointed to the ceiling
	I pointed to a rock...

26 - 28 Feb 98, 1 Mar 98





Spring
~~~~~~

The honeyed sun pours down its liquid love upon the dark brown earth
replenishing the fauna and flora with the fresh inviting breath of spring.

28 Feb 98






Doors at birth and Doors at death
Such is our reality
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

like a photograph
taken without notice
capturing eternity

capturing a moment
that really isn't there
such an infinitesimal state

does not exist
but to the photograph
is real

captured on paper
digitized
floated in a twilight zone
 
of real and non real
actually part of us
a part of us that transcends

the reality of what we know
what we are
what we think we are

the heisenberg principle
of uncertainty states
that we can never know

with surety
the position of an electron
at any moment in time

capturing a photograph
compounds this enigma
what is real

cannot be
but yet is real
and yet does not exist

not on the plane
that we are on
the electron weaves in and out

of one dimension
to another
therefore we too

must weave in and out
of all the possible
dimensions lost in space

and what are
these dimensions
where do they take us

they take us everywhere
they are what creates
our possibilities

they are dimensionless
they form for us
a reality from a non reality

a form from chaos
chaos from void
void from nothing

and there we stand
alone and suffering
perfect alienation

perfect denial
cause and effect
where one thing

creates another
and another creates
one thing

and everything 
mingles
into one

great blast
of time and
energy

and where does
god
stand in all of this

why 
god is
everywhere

and nowhere
god gives breath
to each element

fluctuating between
reality and hope
dream and purpose

god is 
that part of us
which we cannot fathom

god is the
great attractor
in a woman's body

where the fetus
grows to maturity
and explodes

in water 
and in blood
tumbling 

to the ground
like a great white 
hot meteorite

and how do we
deny that 
what is there

cannot be
there
without a god

but god is
all encompassing
god cannot know

we exist
god is a set of laws
we so desperately

try to 
comprehend
to understand

to know that we
are there
upon the threshold

ringing the bell
and wiping our feet
on the welcome mat

of immortality
but immortality
is nothing

compared to
how we  
handle death

because the 
purest form of all
commitment

is the face we show
to the others
on this plane of life

how we touch 
their promise
how we simplify

their pain
how they find comfort
in how another acts

how we accept death
as a reality
is one thing

how we accept it
as a transition
is another

not just 
dirt
upon a coffin

not just
flowers
upon a grave

not just
engraved marble
but a thought

a single thought
purposefully held
in remembrance

is life
held eternal
in the mind

and that is
what god is
a growth

not a
stagnation
a growth

not a 
pleasure trip
a growth

not a mounting
dogma
life if anything

is stamina
the stamina of
survival

the stamina
of knowing
all transitions

make the
living stronger
make the dead

real proud
but whether
it is me

or them
who speculate
it's still a very simple

fate we
must accept
the door is

open before us
and we must
enter where we can

each door
is a new beginning
each door

is a bitter end
and each door
leads to another

maybe one day
they'll be something
that we'll comprehend

as being in 
our ball park
maybe just maybe

we'll get to smile
and acknowledge
with a nod

that we've arrived
that we've survived
that we know (finally)

that nothing's
ever dead
that death is 

one more door
we must step through
to give us wisdom

no matter how dark
it all may seem
to give us wisdom

and the strength
to open
one more door

one more door
that leads 
to this reality

we have denied
too often
for the sake

of compromise...


1 Mar 98



Divorce
~~~~~~~

Somehow I have lost you
Through all the argumentative years
Through the battering propensities
Through the moist collectability of hate

A hate that has not been diffusion
But a bright clear shadow
Delineating death from life
(Life is an elusion)

But mostly we are shades
Against a granite wall
Flickering in candlelight

And were this night our nemesis
We gather no resources
You and I are quits, forever.

2 Mar 98





Had we known
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gathering here
We expect the great tear
There's a crack in the cork
There's a strain on the stork

And I guess no one cares
With a mirror that stares
Into lost eyes
Into deniable lies

But the woman is scorn
And the man is reborn
And the lies are just covered
By a non truth discovered

And who hopes for the best
Wearing a transparent dress
I'm just close to the border
Hope no one gets shot
	crossing over...


2 Mar 98





Puppets
~~~~~~~

It was my birthday
and my parents
created a room for me
off the living room
where I could be alone
with the puppets
and the puppet box
and I laughed and laughed
when the neighbor boy
created an exceptional
show of consequence..
What a moment
for a special boy
lost within the moment
of eternity...

even thought
i remember it now
i live it again
and again
knowing that reality
is conceived in mind
and not in
concrete
false realities...


2 Mar 98





coming home early
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

coming home early
from work
with a headache 
and fever
recurrence of the flu
i find three workmen
in dirty blue overalls
tearing my kitchen
sink apart
"what's going on here"
i asked a bit put off
that i wasn't informed
that this was going on
when all the time
the superintendent
had my work number 
in his office
"fixing the sink"
the one who obviously
was the head plumber
tall rugged looking
swedish farmer type
said "water's pouring
down into the apartment
below..." "guess you gotta
fix it then..." "right" he said
and went to work while
his assistant went to get
some new washers
from the truck. half an
hour later the work was
done and my sink and
it's environs looked as
if a truck had dumped 
a load of oil and greece
on it and off they went
to inspect the apartment
below to see if the 
leak had been successfully
mended.  i went back
to my computer and
finished this poem. good
work for an afternoon
i thought would be wasted
with the flu in bed.

3 Mar 98





Writing
~~~~~~~

Sometimes it's so simple
Sometimes so complex
The multiverse has meaning
The organisms sex

It's a violent solution
To a peaceful universe
The good god must be laughing
The evil one just curse...

I guess I haven't found it
The truth I wanted bad
Once the walls were granite
Now they're gravel instead

And like a bad solution
They don't maintain their wall
They crumble like a canyon
Sandstone doesn't weather well

But why try to maintain it
Decay is all there is
Mountains fall like thunder
Into the lap of bliss

But bliss is no solution
The tide is high enough
No one swims who wants to
No one survives because he's tough

There's plastic and there's poison
Poison works real quick
Plastic's like a shadow
Survives but doesn't stick

It's like a great solution
Just walks into your life
Don't try to understand it
It cuts you like a knife

A knife that's sharp like murder
Conceived within your soul
Cast into a passion
Wrapped in life's warm stole

And how we comprehend it
We argue in our cup
Wine that's cut with water
Love that has dried up

Knowledge is a phantom
Haunts the stage supreme
The audience must linger
While the singer tries to scream

Oh how we remember
Our childhood and a dream
Growing old we wonder
What does all this mean?

And still we cannot gather
One clear thought of what
Life gives us solution
Life gives us a map

A map we haven't read yet
A map that's lost in fog
I guess we have a million
Years to go to "grog"

But that's beyond the meaning
Of what we know about
At the ancient age I'm at
I just refuse to shout...

And maybe silence solves it
Maybe silence stops
The blind emotive coughing
That the purist scream about

But it isn't about screaming
It's always 'bout control
Don't listen to dictators
You'll only lose your goal

But just to write the poem
Is outside of the cause
The shaman is the night-owl
The poet mourns the loss

I don't know how to say this
The word is what you are
The poem is the savior
The poet is the war...

3 Mar 98




Flu
~~~

This flu
Collapses you.

4 Mar 98





I wasn't on the street for long...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She sits by the window
sits by the door
waiting for someone
to wash up on shore

there's a mighty wind coming
but it won't refresh dreams
sometimes the mighty
don't know what you mean

one god thinks he's gentle
one got thinks he's god
none of them matter
it's all in your heart

so don't pray for nothing
don't pray for yourself
pry for the lonely
who are lost and bereft

there's a story i'd tell you
but why would you listen
to listen you would have to change things
comfort's such a great prison

but i'll never condemn you
I can't stand the thought
one does what one has to
survival is hot

so don't wait too long like
the wind changes things
one life's much too precious
to wait for anything...

go out be yourself
no one else can be you
open the window
open the door

because if you wait for
someone to do it
no one will come
and you'll just regret it

what's your life worth
more than you are waiting for
make the first move
it'll open any door...


4  Mar 98





Love
~~~~

What is love if not an unconditional decree?
Love cannot be compromised, through many tied,
But many suffered and many lied and many died
And many sought a path across it...fantasy

Became the knowledge they possessed...
Delusion was their final gathering, their quest..
And though some found a meaning, most just found regret...
But the ghost of love is purpose, purpose is love's quest.

4  Mar 98





Chat Rooms
~~~~~~~~~~

Couldn't sleep
so got up at
3. a.m.
(know I shouldn't
trying to get over
this flu--have
to rest)
and just out of
curiosity
signed on to 
one of these 
chat rooms
on the Internet
just to browse
some general
conversation
and to see
what the rift raft
was up to
this time of night
Seems not much
From "beautiful 
bod" to "show your 
nipples" to
snippets of  "what's
going on" and
"I don't know"
to comments on
anything from
the quality of
the reception to
bodily functions
I was not impressed
Seems that
the common 
denominator for
human language
is a simple
handful of words
and even less 
thought
No wonder
"AmyLynn" gets
136 thousand "hits"
a night and great
literature gets ziltch...
Society's a mass
of common thought
A fluctuating mass
of common thought
Don't disturb the
status quo
less they have to
think too much

430 a.m. 6 Mar 98
 




Kimber
~~~~~~

What do you have in that basket, Kimber?
The one you keep by the filing cabinet in your room?
It is one thing to allow people to see you lying naked on your bed,
It's quite another thing to tease us with your concealed  possessions.

7 Mar 98




Old Love
~~~~~~~~

Read my journal
from 95 when I
was still so much 
in love with
Louise Pilon--
Spent almost a year
and a half
thinking that
there was something
passionate
between us...
Perhaps there was
But neither
pressed it
to a conclusion...
Dec 96 I wrote
Caliban's Dream
Caliban's Escape
and let the whole
thing go...
Funny thing
about love
It makes a day 
go slow
but a year go 
fast
Sorry Louise
I wish it could have
lasted.

7 Mar 98





Why am I even looking at this?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She's beautiful
and she's sexy
and she talks
about why
she's still up
at 4 a.m. because
she got her 
tongue pierces
because she 
heard it heightens
the pleasure when
she gives her
boyfriend head
The comments
range from LOL
to the obscene
and she continues
smiling as if it's all
a compliment
 Lady for your
information
there are no
compliments
just lots of lies
and empty 
promises and
small infantile
brains with
very little 
understanding
of the human 
situation
When I stop
yawning I might
just go back 
to bed a dream
a little bit of
true reality...

5:18 a.m. 8 Mar 98




Blow Up
~~~~~~~

Photographer
Takes pictures
in the park
of couple embracing
Picks up girl
Develops pictures
Notices girl in
pictures is the
same Tries to
phone girl
She gave his
wrong phone number
He throws paper
away
Notices that
strange going's on
in photographs
Blows up picture
by picket fence
notices as gun
Thinks he saved
someone's life
Girls come to
the door
Change and giggle
play and rip their 
clothes off
Photographer
realizes something
as girls put back
on his clothes
Sends girls away
Notices body lying
in bushes
Goes to park
Finds body
Thinks he hears
someone
Returns to studio
(Then I got 
distracted)
Party
Smoke
(Distracted again)
In the park
Body gone
Near tennis court
Two mimes 
playing tennis
Girl motions 
to him to pick 
up non-existent 
ball - he does so
and throws it back
End of film.

5:31 a.m. 8 Mar 98




Sunday Evening
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Exhausted
Watching an
interview with
Toni Morrison
on 60 minutes
Drinking a glass
of Grao Vasco 
Dao 95
Not great
but not bad
A bit heavy
tonight so I
watered it
until it was a 
pleasant rose
But still very
tired...the flu
gone now
but at night
the fatigue
returns
Should go to 
bed soon...
Nothing on
the Internet
That's getting
rather boring
Spent the 
afternoon
before Cindy
came to visit
adding to my
subscription
list for Ygdrasil
Trying to get
the attention 
of as many 
people as is
possible
Guess I'll begin
working on the
April edition soon
Have a lot of
excellent material
Bit of a headache
Still sneezing
On a stormy night
Shouldn't drink
much more
Maybe just relax
for an hour or so
and then go to bed
Tomorrow's Monday 
and I've a lot to do
at the office
Confidential stuff
Quite important
Not that someone
else couldn't do it
But in these situations
I always seem to be
called upon
to get things done
Used to make me 
feel important
Now just seems an
inconvenience...
No doubt I'll be
exhausted by the
end of it and coming
home just want to
go to bed and sleep
That's the way it is
I guess...always was
and always will be
Tonight I'll just
finish this and then
maybe watch a bit
of science fiction
on TV...(Cindy
left about and 
hour ago) so I'm
alone and quite
content with the 
world...with my
world...the world
out there? Who 
knows..little I
can do to affect
a change...perhaps
some day with 
Ygdrasil...or with
a poem...but
for now this
Sunday evening
is all I have...
raise another...

8 Mar 98





ever wonder why you work so hard?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So
some asshole
votes against
alt.ygdrasil
because he 
thinks
it is
"self serving"
and useless
for his
purposes...
and what that
purposes are
I haven't
got a clue...
So stupid...
I reply:
sad to see
that the 
future of
poetry is
in the hands of
people
such as you...
Wish I
hadn't had
to say it
but it reminds
me so much of
what it was like
when we were
booted off of
the Intellec
Poetry conferences
because some 
narrow minded 
people didn't
think one or two
words the hear 
every day on TV
or on the street
shouldn't; be
used in poetry...
Somehow I think
it's reality
that affronts them...
They're in a
world of
their own
and anything
that shakes their
narrow minded
world
set's of their
satin covered
fuse...
like i said
too bad
those who know
nothing about
poetry and want to
learn
find them at
the forefront...
vipers
spitting at the
purity they
pretend to
represent...
I just wish
I wouldn't have to
deal with them...
Thoughts of
murder...no...
you don't murder
the misguided..
you try to
educate them...
no matter
how difficult
to hold back
the bloody ax
of severance...

10 Mar 98




how to get one's due...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh this
bugs the shit
out of me
one asshole
with the 
intelligence of
a broken
lamppost
in control
of what newsgroups
go on or not 
on the internet
having free 
control
to say what
garbage 
spews out of
his less than
prolific 
intelligence...

i'm not a 
violent man
but if he
lived anywhere
near where i live
he'd be dead
and i'd be
smiling in 
a private jail cell 
writing poems
he could never
comprehend
in heaven or in
hell or
wherever he might be
devoured by
great worms...
consumed
and turning into
bright red 
dung... 

may his soul
be blessed by
vultures...
feasting well..
.
10 Mar 98




hard day's evening
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

what am i doing
don't feel i'm doing anything
what do i feel like
don't feel like anything
stepping on a rusty nail
wish i could ignore
the ignorance 
that some idiots
in power wield
wish i could be
easy with my life
with Ygdrasil
with those who
just don't know
wish i could relax
my beck's sore
just too tired
to write anything...
poet i ain't tonight
human being?
just too burnt out
just too burnt out
to do anything...

11 Mar 98





god is our experience
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

wanting to write something
i write nothing
wanting to clean the dishes
i say that they can wait the morrow
wanting to assert myself
i say the meek will
one fine day
inherit the earth
but the meek never do
inherit the earth
and those who don't do
the dishes have
a fungus on their hands
and the poet who
doesn't write
writes nothing 
he may think he thinks
and those thoughts
are all important
all consuming
those are thoughts that
no one hears
thoughts that no one
agrees with
disagrees with
argues with
enhances
and maybe just
agrees wit...
those thoughts of
a human being
a though that is nothing
when not shared with
other human beings
for we are one
one great entity
in a universe that is
a greater entity
and all of us
no matter how insignificant
we think our
contribution seems
have a vital moments
thought action 
to contribute...
god needs all of us
to be god...
without us she could not
survive...
experience is her solution
experience is our gift
god is our experience
don't hold back...

13 Mar 98




1258
~~~~

it is the year 1258
i don't know what happened that year
but i know the year is 1258
i write this in the year
of the christian lord jesus 1998
i am just trying to figure out
what time means
what historical time means
what personal time means
how it relates to me to you to them
to anyone
you see 1258 is gone
and if we take the day 
14th march 
and we realize there was someone
anyone
anonymous famous
be it as it may
a moth with her baby
a farmer in his fields
but it all boils down to this
there was a human,man being
who was alive this day
and now five hundred
and forty years later
is a thought in a poem
i am writing
i wonder if i will be
that luck and have
five hundred and forty 
years later someone
write a poem about
my existence
and yours
you see
none of us wants to be
anonymous
we want to be remembered...
even if only in 
generalized form
of history...
the statement is 
"i existed"
"i was here"
notice me...
my life
did not mean 
nothing...
did it?

14 May 98




trying to get something done...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

why do i
argue with 
garbage?
i know 
i can't win
garbage always
has the last 
word
garbage never
listens
garbage 
cannot
listen
garbage
only 
understands
one thing
garbage...
garbage always
has the final
word...
that's ok
i have the
final thought...
maybe one day
garbage will
understand
that i also
have the
final solution...
words will
never equal 
actions...
garbage has a
lot to learn...

14 Mar 98




shadow
~~~~~~

everybody needs a lover
everybody needs a friend
everybody needs a straight jacket
to make a mends

and all the naked women
who suck my penis dry
come in an illusion
and make me wanna cry

it's the artist who remembers
it's the artist who forgets
it's an orgy in september
its the looser who placed the bets...

it's the jury of solution
it's the jury give and take
its the final arbitration
its the woman who is late

it's the small things i remember
it's the rape i hate the most
its the man who is a shadow
its the child who has to cope

its the voice i refused to
listen with my ears
my mind could not be quiet
my body was the blind

but survival is the fittest
the person i adore
don't ever say i'm a victim
i can never be that poor

i learned from every angel
every hurt and pain
i wasn't;t raped i wanted it
said over and over again...

15 Mar 98





when was the last time you hurt this much?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tough night
madness
got way too drunk
picked up 
three women
and a romp
at my age is
pretty tiring
ache all over
this a.m.
especially
some specially
parts...
at least i didn't
have a 
snow ball fight
with them
on the balcony
like last years
celebrations...
these were really
pretty girls...
wonder why they
went with me
when so much
meat was on the floor...
maybe just a tiger 
tongue...maybe just
lust for body  fluids
sweat and glands and
oh just stick it in...
pump hard...
let her scream
when i am 
at my manly best
sometimes
body triumphs
over intellect...

15 Mar 98




aftermath
~~~~~~~~~

sunday morning
still rather drunk
watching hair on tv
drinking coke and wine
my penis hurts
i want to scream at someone
but have nothing to scream about
gotta get rid of
the evidence
before my girl friend
comes over
hair group singing sunshine
appropriate
sunshine outside
turkey in the over
hope it tastes as
good as it smells...
wish i didn't have to
work tomorrow
gotta watch my intake
of fluids...
maybe one day
i'll be just another 
regular disinfranchised guy...
maybe sometime in the future
i'll be someone who's
survived all this
madness...
thinking of  the
60's
the 70's
(just recently
watched an abba concert
on tv...)
the80-'s
(thompson twins? )
and then
there curt's
supposed suicide
his widow's doing
pretty good...
maybe from 
john lennon to cc's demise
there's something
rock 'n roll's
missing...
maybe there's
something we are all
missing...
the older i get
the more i ache...
sex is no longer
a game
sex is a rack
on which torture
is a weakness...
but then 
that's my own
stupidity...
no one 48 
should make love to
two perfect
blonds and one]exceptional
brunette
at five a.m.
and expect to
survive...
maybe i'm
the exception
but watching 
jerry springer
just don't think
i am...
dream well tonight...
you might be 
waking up.

15 mar 98




Monday Blues
~~~~~~~~~~~~

i started off
feeling pretty
damned good
for a frosty
monday morning
walking to work
i spoke to a neighbor
who told me about
her gripes at works
and how too much
work and too many
cutbacks
make everything 
miserable...
my ears ached
from the wind and 
the cold as 
walked on down
laurier street
and crossed the bridge
across the now
abandoned canal
which in the
cold of winter's
used a a skating rink
longest in the world
and walking past
the university of
ottawa i just kind
of floated through
a type of dream state
not thinking about
anything in particular
but somehow feeling
very horny and
unsatisfied and very
edgy as if something
was slowly eating
away at me incomplete
and lingering so i
just ignored it and
walked on through
crisp morning air

getting to work
i felt hot and tried
to do some work but
i became more shaky
and very exhausted
and there was a
annoying humming
in my ear and
i could not concentrate
i felt i just wanted to
go to sleep and sleep
and sleep and sleep
after about two hours 
my colleagues
persuaded me to go
home and rest so
that's the advise i took
walking home i was
cold and shivering
and hoped to hell
that this was not a
relapse of the devastating
flu i had last month
and began to feel guilty
by having to take more 
time off because last
month's two weeks in
bed should have been
enough...but maybe i
was still fatigued because
if it...but also feeling
a little pissed off because
i would have to go back
to the doctor and 
get another certificate
not something i really
want to do and at ten
dollars a shot this
adds up...walking along
i hardly noticed the brunette
beside my i black nylons 
fantastically strong legs
and for a moment i though
this maybe what i need but
i just could shake the nausea
in my stomach and cross
to the other side of the street

got home and masturbated
and then took a short nap
but it was a restless sleep
and i got up again after
half an hour and checked
the internet for non existent
email and watched the news
and then the depression hit...
black clouds of doubt and
fear assaulting every nerve
ending in my already aching
body....checked for fever
but didn't have any (a relief)
and made myself some
shrimp soup and noodles
for lunch and now as i'm
writing this the sunlight
streams through the curtain
covering my window and
i am sweating and my 
stomach is still not well
and i want to sleep but
can't and my vision is blurred
and i just don't feel like
wanting to do anything
and damn i want to much
feel well and be able to work
properly and be alert and
not have to contend with this
sickness shit and maybe
i'm just getting old and maybe
i just need a long break
but can't take time off because
i don't have any leave left
until april and there's just
so much work to do and
i no longer know how to
priorities it and besides
q month ago things seemed 
be looking up and now
shit happens and i'm 
right back where i started from
but then maybe al lot
of this shit's my fault too
drank way too much this
weekend and got no sleep
at all and those three girls
i picked up saturday morning
didn't help matters of my
body any and god at my age
what was i thinking
this was great when i was
twenty now it's just
another night of torture
and i've got to get some rest
and i can no longer
burn the candle at both ends
and the soup was great
but it makes me sweat
and my neck hurts and
my eyes have a hard time
staying open and i'm watching
the news at noon but the images
are all a blur and i can hardly
make any coherent sense
out of the cacophony of
words...a segment on me li
and the pilots who 30
years ago tried to stop the
slaughter and something
about clinton and something
about this and that and
how surreal can all this get?
i sear i'm going to go to bed
early tonight and alone and
i swear i've got to cut down
on my consumption of
fine wines and sex well we'll
have to see about that
but damn it all...i've got
so much to do...i flop down
on the sofa change the channel
channel surf until some
art show stops me cutting up
the dictionary and mounting
it on glass...i'm sweating
profusely now...soon i'll
have to change mt shirt...
maybe i should go back
to bed...my heart beat races
along at a mile a minute...
my hands are shaking...
how can this go on...
how can anything go on...
just hope i'm well enough
to get back to work tomorrow...
hope i don't get a migraine
on top of this...life's such
a pit...a deep dark pit and
god why's the light so strong?

16 Mar 98




New Morning
~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow...what a great 
sleep and what fantastic
dreams and man do i
feel good this morning
(knock on wood)
and man that was a
trip yesterday feeling
so ugly sick and
so depressed...don't
want to feel that way
ever again.  guess it was
really  a case of mild
food poisoning...remembered
finally that i took an
old pan out of the sink
and heated up some
fish patties and i guess
the pan wasn't clean
and it was late at night
and i just wasn't thinking
and well there you are...
but enough of that
it's back t work and
there will be a lot to
do and i'm alone for
the rest of the week
and hopefully the phone
won't ring every minute
so i can get the other 
stuff done...time's
getting so short and
the end of the project
is near and this damned
internal computer
structure i have to set up
is getting so damned complex...
oh well...next month
i'm going to take a week
off and do absolutely 
nothing but rest and
then tackle it in one
big rush...lock myself
up somewhere...will need
all my concentration...
but before that i have
to do my income tax and
also get next month's 
magazine out and i have
so many great poems that
it's getting tough to decide
what i will include...some
for this month and some
for next...and then there's
this book and there's the
snowstorm coming up
tomorrow and temperature's
fluctuation and i guess
spring is on it's way
and now the 6 a.m. news
and that's my clue to shave
and get ready for work
good morning everyone
good night if that's the case...

17 mar 98




Dreams
~~~~~~

having some real
pleasant dreams
these last few
days , maybe its
the mind's escape
from a harsh 
reality maybe only
the minds relaxation
after a hard busy
satisfying day
can't say which
since all these
things happening
at once the illness
the changes at
work and my
personal situation
all add up
sometimes i just
want to run away
but know very well
that one can't run
away from one's self
even the shadow
always follows you
and in the end you
just get more
exhausted and
discouraged that 
you can't find a
solution when all
along the solution
was inside of you
you are the one who
makes the choices
no one else only
you can live your life
the way you live it
and worrying about 
the things you can't 
avoid the things
beyond your control's
just as silly as trying
to stop the moon
from shining
but some people 
just don't seem to
get it and keep going
on and on blaming
others for their
inability to get on
with their own lives
and you se them sad 
and disappointed
day in and day out
and when you can't 
them what they want
knowing that it won't
solve anything and
only make you a 
martyr to their own
disillusionment
well you feel pretty
shitty seeing them
disappointed and 
waiting for something
that probably will
never happen and they
keep blaming you
and you just see the
decay in their should
and it begins to drag
you down along with 
but still they can't 
understand and they
continue as if it's
the only goal in life
and you try to tell
them they are obsessed
with this one idea
and it's an illness
that consumes them
and you wish you
could help but the 
tears of their 
desperation are
like daggers in your
heart which ceaselessly
tear your mind apart
and sometimes you 
think should i do this
and maybe it will stop
but you know it will not
and it will only make
you miserable when
you can no longer
write and seek the
artistic peace of mind 
you have been craving
for such a long time
and you know that
you are there and now 
give it all up because of
someone else would
just kill you stone dead
mentally if not 
physically and to do that
would be a waste of
both your lives...
maybe that's why
i'm dreaming these
pleasant and idyllic
dreams - sleep these
days is good - very good
i wish the dreams
could go on forever
but reality awakens
even the most drugged
somnombulic and reality
must continue like
the shaking of the
addict when the drug
wears off.

18 Mar 98





Reality
~~~~~~~

sometimes the fog
is much more real
than the sound of steps
upon the pavement
following...

18 Mar 98





sex and love
~~~~~~~~~~~~

when sex is used
as a bargaining tool
can there be much love
left?

18 Mar 98





how work affects a dream
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

wasn't quite a
nightmare but
wd have been
had it come real
dreamt i was
banished to the
pwgsc library
as a clerk and
it was like 
humiliating to
be told where 
to file things
and what to do
after having been
a manager so
woke up and 
well perhaps i
better not
complain too 
much and do 
my work lucky
that i have 
this much
and just take it
slow and easy
and not let the
pressure get
to me as yesterday
when three things
came at once
and i lost two 
hours of work 
because the system
burped and i lost
20 unsaved records
(guess it also may
have been my fault
--a bit--) but be
 that as it may
sometimes things 
fall apart and one
has to retreat
to regroup one's
forces for the
fresh attack

this morning
after a soothing
bath i'm ready to
again tackle the
world out there
snowstorm and all...

19 Mar 98 




sweet nostalgia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the evening
cathy picked 
me up

and we went
over to hull
and she

bought me 
beers in some
dingy bar

and later we
hitched hiked
up to pinks lake

and there
swam naked
in the darkness

ever so
watchful that
no bears would

come around
but there
were none

and cathy and i
made love
on the deserted

beach and
watched the
millions upon

millions of
twinkling stars
illuminate the sky

early that
morning we
hitch hiked back

and somehow
we lost touch
with each other

and now a
million years later
she is still somewhere

in my mind
lost forever
in the darkness

of the past.

20 mar 98





clown
~~~~~

totally out of it
today pissy mood
first day of spring
overcast snow
yesterday and again
they say tomorrow
argument with
girlfriend my fault
just too self centered
awful drinking beer
tonight (which i
hardly ever do)
darkness room in
darkness tv screen
senators/vancouver
crazy violence
mind too numb to
comprehend
so what's the use
of writing this
1st day of spring
no flowers just
snow darkness
death and who am i
to just presume 
anything
monster this
depression
nightmares
words like
water torture
what beginning
slashed it's own
end what indeed
let the darkness 
come i ain't ready
but i'll never be
and tonight's as
good as any
darkness death
and love
love and death
that sounds good
death the
eternal merry-go-round
and love the 
eternal darkness
madness
prostitution
slavery
sacrifice
bleeding?
damn right i'm
bleeding
human being 
notwithstanding
the prince
the pauper
and the skull...

RIP

20 Mar 98





R.E.M.
~~~~~

11pm listening
to rem and watching
jerry springer
silently on tv...
(silently on tv...)
a liturgy...
float it like a dove
floats across
a painting by 
chagal...
it's a moment
i will not remember
unless this poem
rears it's ugly
head...well...not
totally obscene 
the music conquers
me like a subtle
symphony of 
caustic breathing...
pretty good...
but i've nothing
to reflect on
but the wine and
aluminum...and since
i do know the 
taste of aluminum
i will say well
pretty near to fear
but then you haven't
tasted mexican 
chardonney...
honey is sweet
blood is thicker
mescaline just
promises...and
gives you a great big
headache...
30 years later
i still suffer youth
wendy purple pills
and sex...never knew
a moment was so
durable...now
what the hell
was i talking about?

20 Mar 97






do you know everything that's in your past?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

23 years later
are wendy's children mine?
don't know
she said don't get involved
but she did say
two boys...twins
by that time
she had found 
a "rich" man
whom she married
and "was happy with"
and the children
"should never know.."
she was damned right
i wa much to occupied
to think of red haired 
wendy...the most 
independent woman
in the world...she'd
never stand for any
interference...i 
respected that...
23 years ago...
such a long long time...
one drunken night
one word admitted
over the long distance
telephone... and
perfectly preserved
for history's scalpel...
i still love you
wendy even though
you did bite my tongue...

20 Mar 98





ever be beware...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there was this woman
mattered to me once 
(can't remember why)
said she knew me well
before i could remember
she was gone and...well...
the hotel room was left empty
and the shelf had only one good book
i didn't read it
but it had a fat black cover
the woman said it was good
...
don't repeat mistakes...

20 Mar 98






so, what else, you stupid dog?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

what a fucking
shitty mood i'm
in today...no one
should have
gotten even close
to me...everything
about me screamed
LEAVE ME ALONE
and i couldn't
even tell you why
picked an argument
with my girlfriend...
she didn't deserve
such bad treatment
it was all my fault
but too late
i said some stupid 
things and she
counter attacked
and all of a sudden
we had nothing but
this stupid
animosity between 
us which should 
never be between
two people who
care for each other...
so she left...i called
after her but she 
knew the better
part of valor
would be to leave
me to myself...
so here i am
pounding away
at these keys
like a crazed
and rabid animal
tortured and
torturing
for no purpose...
i better have a
fucking nightmare
tonight i don't 
deserve a pleasant
dream...

22 Mar 98






once upon a time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there once was a faraway land
where those who dwelt there only had one hand
and with this hand they continuously waved
at those who couldn't comprehend
what these supposed crazies had to say
and when they came real close
the crazies bowed and the second wave
shot the curious to hell

moral of this story
none...i just felt
i had to write something
really stupid...

23 Mar 98






going to the toilet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ok i think
i'm going to watch
the oscars
maybe just because
there's nothing
else to do
maybe just because
i feel real stupid
maybe just because
i had enough white 
wine maybe i just
can't feel anything
ate some garlic fish
wrote runes on a folder
made love to a woman
who folded up my bed
and had a 
rotten day at work
wrote a stupid poem
looked into a window
(don't argue with beethoven)
closed my eyes
and wondered
why there's so much static
when one want's to hear
i'm crazy and i'm near
the fool's a ticking mine
one foot left don't breathe
how corny can you get
place one foot upon the....
detonator's don't need feet
just a child and innocence
and a poet doesn't need false words
he needs a tower of strength
he doesn't need the ending
he needs the journey
he needs a quiet shadow
he needs what no ne else needs
he needs to know himself
the loneliness
the pain
the desperation
the insanity
the motion of the
pendulum swinging backwards
i guess reality's a shadow
dream is the reality
and what of our insanity
ask ezra pound...

23 Mar 98





those who care care less
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and the 
papers declared
this one of
if not
the greatest
academy
awards show
ever
and i thought
if this
must be the case
(the case
being what
it is)
the it
must be
one of the most
depressing
statements
ever...

nothing
conquers here
just pure
bull
money 
tossed around
and if this is what
the world
calls great
i have no hope
left for
civilization
bring on the
asteroid
i bet the 
movie indistry'll
survive
and make a
film and
even if no
one will watch 
it it will win
the post
holocaust award
film survived
world didn't
won't some
monster
pull the plug?

24 Mar 98





armageddon
~~~~~~~~~~

damn it
lost my
webfile
directory
for the
second 
time
don't know
why this
happens
seems like
it's a curse
for those
who
use the
internet
had to
download
everything
from my site
to
reestablish
link to
all the files...
i sometimes
think computers
really are
alive just
lying low
waiting for 
the day' that
 they can
take over
the world

had a 
pretty good
day
running around
doing a
million things
and getting
nothing done
mostly the
computer
network was
down...again...
humans are 
not prepared
humans are
not prepared
for this
kind of waste...
just not 
perfect enough
fundamental
mistakes the 
computer somehow
proliferates...

silent shadow
year two thousand
nears...i have my pen
do you have yours?

24 Mar 98




truth
~~~~~

not quite sure
what anything means
anymore...

shadows no longer
frighten
the light burns bright

24 Mar 98



All Poems Copyright 1998 Klaus J. Gerken
Published by Ygdrasil Press
